Secret Exchange

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The greatest regret in my life

is being illiterate.

I do not understand words, either from listening or reading.

Perhaps becoming an ordinary person

and leaving home

was the only way for me to grow up safely.

​

My name is Wangshi and I am illiterate.

I do not have a mother or father. 

When I was young, I smoked opium everyday.

I could not stop until I was old.  I now smoke the yellow Longlife cigarettes.

​

Before getting married, I lived in Kaohsiung’s Lingya District.

I was raised by my aunt and uncle-in-law.

​

My aunt taught me how to make clothes

using the best quality fabric.

I make all my own clothes.

I always look forward to buying new fabric every Chinese New Year.

​

My uncle-in-law is the wealthiest person in Taiwan.

My aunt taught me to use the abacus.

Although I could not read, I knew how to use the abacus.

She told me that girls need to learn bookkeeping to help in family matters.

​

Other than that, I am also skilled at all the house chores.

Wealthy families do not support an idle person.

There were specific procedures for doing different house chores.

While many of the chores were performed by servants,

my aunt also asked me to do them together.

I had to kneel down and mop the floor.

She disciplined me in a very strict way.

She wanted me to become a strong person

despite having no parents.

​

Now I have passed away.

After getting married and going through many changes over time,

I lost contact with my uncle-in-law and aunt due to my illiteracy.

Everyone thought I died a long time ago.

​

I always believed in waiting for the day when life becomes peaceful in Taiwan

I always believed that my aunt would live longer than everyone else

However, the longer I left home, the more intimidated I was to go back.

Were there rumors about my death?

Or, rumors about how I was not grateful enough?

They had no idea what I went through.

How could I explain why I never went back when I was still alive?

I was lost and trapped.

​

When my body started to fail, I sensed that I was running out of time.

I decided to be brave and go meet my aunt and uncle-in-law for one last time.

But, I was too late to see even my cousin.

​

Before I died, I accepted the autopsy at China Medical University

and donated my body.

I heard that was the only way for me to have someone burn an incense stick or chant sutras.

I never had a home during my lifetime.

That did not change after I died.

Perhaps I was a very bad person who had to suffer such pain.

​

When I was alive,

I told my granddaughter my uncle-in-law and cousin’s names multiple times,

hoping she could understand my past experience and stories.

I seemed to have no memories,

other than the various stories shared with them.

I wonder if they could bring me home

after so many years.

​

The highest ranking officials always came to visit

along with many troops.

I heard officials would come to ask for money.  Do you give them the money or not?

Back then, it was an era when families could be suddenly killed.

Many people just suddenly disappeared.

​

I avoided many calamities during that horrific era.

After I got married, many people died in the village.

I also ran into many ghosts and monsters,

but I always managed to survive.

​

I don’t want to talk about the past.

Everything is blurry

and sad.

I am unclear who my parents are,

I cannot keep written records,

and I start to forget many things as time goes by.

​

My father’s name was secretly covered up

and I was hidden from this family.

I do not like this name Wangshi.

It made me a mockery my whole life.

Perhaps this was what transformed me into an ordinary person 

and kept me alive for so long.

Through the Japanese Colonial era,

World War II,

228,

militia,

White Terror,

and Martial Law period,

many people around us had disappeared.

But, I was always present to watch these tragedies taking place.

I cannot nor want to remember such sadness

In this life.

I don’t want to talk about

these stories around me anymore.

After my passing, I imagine this would only be the story of an ordinary woman

not worth mentioning.