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​交換秘密,動態影像,10min11sec,2021

在二次大戰後歷經台灣各種恐怖的社會事件後,遺留在人們心中的恐懼隨著時間在不同的年齡層中消散。創作中設定一個虛擬角色 : 一個小女孩;在父母的不在場下,她被託孤在外祖父母的政治受難的陰影下成長,如今在當代長成一個大人後,她去回望過去的歷史,如今才明白當年的外祖父母的政治艱難和恐懼。台灣的歷史在小女孩的成長過程中是一片空白,如今她逐一試圖去縫補過去到底發生了甚麼。以小女孩的身體記憶去回溯那像夢一樣不符合當代生活的面貌慣性。試圖在這樣的半虛構敘事中,藉由田野、拜訪口述、歷史文本去重購再現一個時空錯置的女子教養的身體記憶,也同時回望對於台灣這塊土地的情感。

 

​Exchange secrets, Moving images, 10min11sec, 2021

After experiencing various terrifying social events in Taiwan after World War II, the fear left in people's hearts dissipated over time in different age groups. A fictional character is set in the creation: a little girl; in the absence of her parents, she was entrusted to grow up in the shadow of her grandparents' political suffering, and now she has grown into an adult in the contemporary era, she goes back to the past history, only now I understand the political difficulties and fears of my grandparents back then. The history of Taiwan was blank when the little girl was growing up, and now she is trying to sew up what happened in the past one by one. Use the little girl's body memory to trace back the inertia of the face that is not in line with contemporary life like a dream. In such a semi-fictional narrative, I try to re-buy and reproduce the physical memory of a woman's upbringing that has been displaced by time and space through fields, interviews, oral records, and historical texts.

交換秘密


我這輩子最大的遺憾

是一個文盲

聽不懂 看不懂

成為一個普通人

遠離開家

是不是 才是真的保護我 能平安長大的方式

 

我叫罔市 不識字

沒有爸爸媽媽

年輕時每日都要吸鴉片

到老的時候都無法戒斷 只能吃黃長壽菸

 

出嫁前 我住在高雄苓雅區

是姑丈和姑姑撫養我長大

 

姑姑親自教我做衣服

使用最上等的布料

我的衣服都是自己親手做的

每年我也最期待過年時能買新的布料

 

姑丈是台灣最有錢的人

姑姑教我使用算盤

雖然我不識字 但我會用算盤

她說女生要會算錢才能幫忙家裡

 

除此之外我也會所有的家事

在大戶人家裡是不養閒人的

所有的家事都有講究的方法

雖然很多家事都有很多下人去做

但姑姑卻也要我做

我也要跪在地上抹地

她對我的管教比所有人更加嚴格

她希望我雖然沒有父母

但可以成為一個堅強的人

 

如今我已經死了

出嫁後 因為不識字 經過許多時代的變化
和姑丈姑姑斷了聯繫

所有人以為我早就死了

 

我總相信 等待台灣日子平靜的那天

我總相信 我的姑姑會比所有的人 活得更久

但越久沒回家 我越不敢回去了

是不是謠傳我早就死了

是不是謠傳我不懂得去感恩

他們不知道我遇上哪些事吧

我怎麼解釋 我當時其實還活著  卻沒有回去呢

我找不到路 也被絆住了

 

在我身體不行的時候 覺得時間不多了

我決定鼓起勇氣去見上姑姑和姑丈最後一面

卻連表哥都來不及了
 

在死之前我接受了中國醫藥大學的解剖

捐贈了我的大體

聽說這樣才能有人為我上香唸經

雖然我在生前沒有家

死後也沒有家

也許是 我是一個很壞的人 才會受這樣的苦吧

 

我活著的時候

我曾多次告訴外孫女 姑丈和表哥的名字

希望她能了解我以前的經過和故事

我的記憶幾乎都是空白的

除了和他們的許多故事

不知道也許在很多年後
他們能夠帶我回家嗎

 

家裡總是來了那個年代最大的官

以及許多軍隊

聽說官 來家裏跟你拿錢 你是要給 還是不給

那個年代 是一個會你誅殺家族的

許多人總會突然消失的

 

我在那個恐怖的年代 躲過許多劫難

我結婚後在村子裡死了很多人

我也遇見很多鬼怪

但我總是活下來了

 

我不想談過去

一切都是模糊的

也都是悲傷的

我不清楚我父母是誰

我沒辦法用文字紀錄

隨著時間我開始忘記很多事情

 

我的父親的名字被保密掩蓋了

在這個家族中 我被藏起來了

罔市的名字我很不喜歡

讓我一輩子都被嘲笑

但也許 這個把我變成普通人的樣子

也才能讓我活到這麼久

經過日本時代

二次世界大戰

228

民兵

白色恐怖

戒嚴時代

身邊許多人不見了

但我總是存在  看著這一切的悲劇

我無法記得 也不想記得 這些悲傷

這輩子

我不想在講

這些在我身邊經過的故事

在我死後 我想也許這只是一個平凡女子的故事

沒甚麼值得說

Secret Exchange

The greatest regret in my life

is being illiterate.

I do not understand words, either from listening or reading.

Perhaps becoming an ordinary person

and leaving home

was the only way for me to grow up safely.

My name is Wangshi and I am illiterate.

I do not have a mother or father. 

When I was young, I smoked opium everyday.

I could not stop until I was old.  I now smoke the yellow Longlife cigarettes.

Before getting married, I lived in Kaohsiung’s Lingya District.

I was raised by my aunt and uncle-in-law.

My aunt taught me how to make clothes

using the best quality fabric.

I make all my own clothes.

I always look forward to buying new fabric every Chinese New Year.

My uncle-in-law is the wealthiest person in Taiwan.

My aunt taught me to use the abacus.

Although I could not read, I knew how to use the abacus.

She told me that girls need to learn bookkeeping to help in family matters.

Other than that, I am also skilled at all the house chores.

Wealthy families do not support an idle person.

There were specific procedures for doing different house chores.

While many of the chores were performed by servants,

my aunt also asked me to do them together.

I had to kneel down and mop the floor.

She disciplined me in a very strict way.

She wanted me to become a strong person

despite having no parents.

Now I have passed away.

After getting married and going through many changes over time,

I lost contact with my uncle-in-law and aunt due to my illiteracy.

Everyone thought I died a long time ago.

I always believed in waiting for the day when life becomes peaceful in Taiwan

I always believed that my aunt would live longer than everyone else

However, the longer I left home, the more intimidated I was to go back.

Were there rumors about my death?

Or, rumors about how I was not grateful enough?

They had no idea what I went through.

How could I explain why I never went back when I was still alive?

I was lost and trapped.

When my body started to fail, I sensed that I was running out of time.

I decided to be brave and go meet my aunt and uncle-in-law for one last time.

But, I was too late to see even my cousin.

Before I died, I accepted the autopsy at China Medical University

and donated my body.

I heard that was the only way for me to have someone burn an incense stick or chant sutras.

I never had a home during my lifetime.

That did not change after I died.

Perhaps I was a very bad person who had to suffer such pain.

When I was alive,

I told my granddaughter my uncle-in-law and cousin’s names multiple times,

hoping she could understand my past experience and stories.

I seemed to have no memories,

other than the various stories shared with them.

I wonder if they could bring me home

after so many years.

The highest ranking officials always came to visit

along with many troops.

I heard officials would come to ask for money.  Do you give them the money or not?

Back then, it was an era when families could be suddenly killed.

Many people just suddenly disappeared.

I avoided many calamities during that horrific era.

After I got married, many people died in the village.

I also ran into many ghosts and monsters,

but I always managed to survive.

I don’t want to talk about the past.

Everything is blurry

and sad.

I am unclear who my parents are,

I cannot keep written records,

and I start to forget many things as time goes by.

My father’s name was secretly covered up

and I was hidden from this family.

I do not like this name Wangshi.

It made me a mockery my whole life.

Perhaps this was what transformed me into an ordinary person 

and kept me alive for so long.

Through the Japanese Colonial era,

World War II,

228,

militia,

White Terror,

and Martial Law period,

many people around us had disappeared.

But, I was always present to watch these tragedies taking place.

I cannot nor want to remember such sadness

In this life.

I don’t want to talk about

these stories around me anymore.

After my passing, I imagine this would only be the story of an ordinary woman

not worth mentioning.